Pirates of the Caribbean 5

When I was a kid I was desperate to be either a unicorn, a mermaid, or a Pirate.  So when the POTC franchise started up I was extatic.  I loved the first few films and even fully enjoyed number 4.  So where did it all go so wrong??? 

I don’t know where to start with how disappointed I am with this film.  Maybe I should start with the good points, as there are few.  I really liked the effects used for the Spaniard ship “The Silent Mary”.  The way the boat moves and devours ships like a sea creature is in keeping to the myths of the sea.  The CGI on this was well done and seamless in its execution.  It’s a shame that  not all the CGI felt so polished.

There were small details that I really appreciated, such as Jack still wears his first tributes from his first battle from his inherited crew.

I think that this is where my likes for this film ends.

So where shall I start…?  The story line….I didn’t mind the Salazar part of this, but the son of William Turner and witch….Urgh.  These stories are based in the 1700’s so who taught Katrina how to read, astronomy, the study of time, how to pick locks and all the other talents that she has? Baring in mind that she was left on the steps of an orphanage I don’t think anyone would have been paying for that education for her.  The convenient star crossed lovers meet both trying to find something of their fathers…utter bilge water. 

Performances…. Geoffrey Rush was probably the best in this, with already established character of Barbossa, played in the same charming sly way.

Javier Bardem as Salazar was mediocre at best.  He sounded like a Spaniard with a lisp on the hunt for Yack Spaaarrroooooow.  The character didn’t feel well rounded or hateful enough.

Orlando Bloom, features as a minor character in this one but sounds like he’s been out on one too many hard nights on the tiles.

Kaya Scodelario and Brenton Thwaites just feel like they are fresh out of acting school and stumbled on to the roles.

Paul McCartney pops up as a cameo…sadly.  This felt like a day out of the nursing home for him and just didn’t fit the film at all.

Now I know what you’re thinking, I’m avoiding Johnny Depp.  Maybe because he is so polished in the role as Jack Sparrow there is nothing to say.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  He has taken the rum addled, eccentric genius of a character to an alcoholic old pervert, who bumbles from one scene to another.  This really pains me to say as well as I have been a huge Johnny Depp fan, and would have loved for him to turn up at my door in his guy liner and tricorner hat, but this has killed that fantasy.  Watching him bumbling around in a clunky and uninspring way, it seems that he has become bored of the role and was just turning up for the pay check.

If like me, you have been a fan of the POTC, avoid adding this film to your need to watch list as you’ll find it a massive disappointment.


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